Hi, my name is Liz D, I’m 32 and my husband and I have been trying for a baby for little over 2 ½ years with no success.
I have been a patient/friend of Kerri’s for over a year now and she asked me to write a little about my struggles with infertility.
I think in stages with my infertility journey. Keep in mind that I am an eternal optimist, everything happens for a reason and I am a true believer of that. I am positive by nature and (like Kerri) I am a people pleaser!
1 to 6 months of no positive was like: “Ahh hasn’t been that long, keep trying, keep BBT, keep checking CM”
At this point I was immersing myself into the new Trying To Conceive (TTC) lingo! Who knew it could be so hard to figure out all of those acronyms!?
7-10 months of no positive was like: “ok, starting to panic now, WTH??!!”
I started to see Kerri at this point. My doctor wasn’t giving me the answers I wanted to hear, so I looked for a female naturopath (on-line) who specialised in fertility. Kerri got me set up with herbs and some things to try each month, but I honestly didn’t take it seriously. Some days I would forget what day it was or what part of my cycle to take which herb. I was looking for a quick fix. Many of my friends who either had been trying (I use that term “trying” loosely as in 1-2 months or if at all) were getting pregnant. I was happy on the outside for them and was able to be at baby showers, show support, talk about morning sickness, shop for maternity clothes etc. But on the inside, enter Mr. Anger and Mr. Envy, a stage I never thought I would experience!
11-14 months of still no positive: “ok fertility Dr. hook me up!!”
I had laparoscopy surgery and found that I have Endometriosis. “That’s ok; LOTS of people have endo and end up pregnant!” I would coach myself daily. This part of my journey was where it began to be tricky. I had the surgery and endured the pain of recovery and in my doctors words “you should be pregnant NO PROBLEM in a few months”. Well a few more than a few months went by with no positive, not even the slightest hint of + on a stick. Now Mr. Anger started to show up unexpectedly in my life. I was mad at the happy family next door, down the street, everyone who showed at least an ounce of joy towards or in the company of their children. I would burst out crying at the sight of a happy family walking with their baby down the street. I want to be that happy family so bad so what is not working? Doctor says everything is fine, lab results say everything is fine, but inside, I’m not fine, not fine at all.
I had started walking during my lunch break to get away from the stress of the office and reboot myself for the afternoons. My co-worker who had just came back from a maturity leave wanted to join me. We conversed about everything from hopes and dreams to baby poo and husband issues. Then one day out of the blue, she turned to me and burst out crying. “Liz I didn’t want to tell you, but I’m pregnant again, I’m 8 weeks and just felt so guilty telling you!” The fact that she was so upset by telling me something that was supposed to be such a happy time; I knew that my act of being positive wasn’t the case. That was my “AH HA” moment. My friends mean the world to me and I would never want them to feel as if they couldn’t tell me something, especially if they are pregnant! I thought, these are the women that I’m going to be texting at 3am with questions WHEN I have a baby and I’m not about to lose them! Things HAD to change, but how and what would I do?
During this frustrating and sad time for me, I took a Mindfulness Meditation program suggested by Kerri. This is where I began to get to know Mr. Anger and Mr. Envy. We bonded in a positive way. I finally recognized and acknowledged that this isn’t the family next door, down the street or the happy couple’s fault that we’re not pregnant, it’s mine!! So with Mr. Anger and Mr. Envy in check (they still existed with me but they didn’t show up the same way as before), and a new outlook, I decided to change some things.
15-21 still no positive……….
At this point I needed to look inward. What about myself do I need to work on or prepare for before welcoming a little one to my life? Are there things that I need to change? How about diet? Yeah, could be better. How about exercise? Ok, could be a lot better in that area. Oh, and let’s throw a new job and a round of IUI in the mix, just to see what happens! The previous month my Grandmother passed away. She was such a light in my life and I miss her terribly every day! To me, this was my way of bringing (hopefully) joy back to our lives. Not so much. Mr. Anger came back that week I found out all the hard work and effort we did was for nothing. To top it all off my husband’s brother and wife announced they are pregnant, by accident none the less! My world went upside down then. It’s not fair, what do I need to do to get pregnant? I started bargaining in my nightly prayers, “Please God, I’ll go to church more, be nicer to the man down the street who lets his dog poop on our lawn and not clean it up.” That didn’t work either.
Enter my favourite book and current “Bible”-The Infertility Cure, by Dr. Randine Lewis. In my weekly search for the latest thing that I could try to get pregnant, I stumbled upon this book on Amazon. I quickly ordered it and was AMAZED!! I did the tests to see what areas I fit into (Blood Stagnation, Liver Qi deficiency etc). I made myself a little chart of the things suggested in the book that fit the types of disorders I fell into. This was my time to take charge and decide what happens. So in working closer with Kerri (and finally taking the Chinese herbs seriously) we are working on a new plan. I’ve come to terms with my Sister-In-Laws wonderful news and that it is completely separate of what my husband and I are going through; it has nothing to do with us. Would I want HER to treat us differently or badly because WE got pregnant? I think not, so why should I be so angry towards them, they are my family!!!
There are still days that I find hard or tougher than normal, but one day I will be pregnant and have our own little bundle of joy, but I first need to fix everything I’ve done to myself and my body over the years. I need to work on emotionally supporting myself rather than focusing on others. I live every day for that day. No more “wishing my life away” as my Grandmother would say. Today is the day I’m going to enjoy; tomorrow will just have to wait!
(Just an update – Liz is expecting her new baby Summer 2013)