You’re not broken, just grieving

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I felt like if I could just find someone to date, to fill the void, to be a father for my daughters, it would make me feel better. Then I would be fixed and everything would be ok. ⁠
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But the grieving doesn’t go away. ⁠
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Let me tell you, it’s amazing to have a supportive 2nd husband who loves my kids and me. But at the end of the day, my girls are still missing Steve, their 1st dad. And I’m missing him too. They have 2 dads now. ⁠
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The missing will never go away. I will never be “fixed.”⁠
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I will have a heart with a bit of a scar on it from where it was broken. It won’t go back to how it was before. ⁠
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But that also is good. Because I don’t want to forget Steve or stop loving him. ⁠
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For those of you on your new widowed journey, you may be thinking about dating again. We’re all on our own timetables and journeys. ⁠
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I just want you to know, it won’t fix you. You aren’t broken, just grieving. ⁠
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Hugs,⁠
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Whitney⁠

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Define the love you want first

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In honour of the anniversary of our first date…⁠
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How will you know the person you are meant to be with until you define who he is? ⁠
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Before I met Tim I had dated a little. After a few short-lived relationships I decided to write out a list of the qualities of the man I was looking for. ⁠
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Having been married before there were things I liked and didn’t like about my late husband. That’s normal. No one is perfect, right? ⁠
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If I had to choose again, I was going to find an amazing man. ⁠
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Here is my list of the type of man I was looking for: ⁠
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– attractive⁠
– understanding man who’s a good listener⁠
– supportive and my cheerleader⁠
– physically active⁠
– love of learning⁠
– helping and philanthropic⁠
– loves my children⁠
– treats me always with respect⁠
– friendly with others⁠
– calm and patient⁠
– makes room for me in his life⁠
– good with money⁠
– shows me he cares about me and that I’m a priority⁠
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I wrote out that list and then I stopped looking. ⁠
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I started living. I lived my life for me. I did the things I wanted to do. I built a good life without a man. ⁠
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Then I met him. That saying is so annoying – “it’ll happen when you least expect it.”⁠
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I looked at my list and he was everything on my list. ⁠
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That’s a pretty amazing manifestation. ⁠
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So what’s on your list? Are you settling?⁠
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Whitney⁠

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Supermoms Throw Out the Rules

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The biggest lesson I’m learning as a mom is to let go of the strict rules and how I “should” parent, or should do this or that.

I’d ask everyone for feedback. What do you do? How do YOU handle this situation with your kids. What SHOULD I do about bedtimes, sleep routines, their diet, their grieving, their extracurricular activities.

We have so many decisions to make as parents and we put so much pressure on ourselves to “do it right.”

But what is right? Who says there is only 1 right way to raise a child? Who says there is only 1 right way or path for a child to be happy, healthy & hearty so they can ultimately be OK?

There isn’t any 1 path. It doesn’t exist. If someone tells you it does, then they are lying to themselves.

Each child is unique, each child has their own temperament they were born with. Each child responds differently to different things. Maybe your child is great at sports, maybe they like quiet artwork activities. Knowing our children is one of the keys to happiness as a mother. Not trying to fit them into the prescribed box of a “perfect child.”

Allowing them to be free, allows us to be free. Then we don’t have to follow any rules. We get to make up the rules!! How amazing is that?!?

Whitney

Want to be a better mom? Get the Supermom Survival Guide here. 

 

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His Funeral was My Funeral

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His funeral was my funeral in more ways than one.  It was my funeral because it was the end of my life as I knew it. It was also a glimpse at what my funeral would look like.

Steve died so suddenly that we didn’t have a chance to speak of his wishes around a funeral or celebration of life. I knew what he did for both his parents who pre-deceased him. And I knew the core and essence of Steve and who he was. So, choosing how to celebrate his life was easy. My wonderful sister was the project manager and dealt with all the details and delegated with the rest of the family and friends who were helping. His Celebration of Life was exactly how he would have wanted it to be.

But it was my funeral too. The life that I knew was over. A chapter was closing. One that I didn’t want to close at all. That I was extremely happy with.

It was like my world was a snow globe and someone shook it so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t walk straight and the snow storm flew all around me. When the snow settled, I didn’t recognize my world anymore.

However, one of the lovely things about his Celebration of Life was that it showed me how much love and support we have and I have. Our family, many of my friends, old camp friends, networking colleagues and supporters came out, quite of few of whom had never met Steve or only met him a couple of times.

It showed me how much I was loved. I could imagine what my Celebration of Life would look like with all of these amazing people.

So why do I share this with you? Because there are people around you who love you and support you. You are not alone even when you feel like you are. There are people who would do anything for you and show up for you. They believe the world is a better place because you are in it. So reach out. Ask for help. Ask for a hug. Ask for what you need. You’re worth it and the people who know the true you know you’re worth it too.

Dr. Whitney

For more about living our lives as while raising our kids, join me and other moms as we raise happy, healthy, & hearty kids without the Mommy Guilt in my private group called Guiltless Grace.

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I Found More Rope

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This week has been a bit crazy.

My oldest has been home sick for a couple days with a fever and bad cough.

The night times have been rough. I’m sure you can relate – no matter what age your kids are now. There are just some of those nights.

At the end of 2016, I made a list of all my “wins” and accomplishments. 

One of them was that I got up every night and night-time parented my kids. WIN!

I got up and comforted, cuddled and reassured either of them or both of them. Sometimes at the same time (those times are super hard!).

But there were times that it was really, really hard. There were times that I was at the end of my rope. That I felt like I didn’t have it in me.

Sometimes I would cry. Sometimes I would leave the room, let them cry while I took a time out to regroup and go back in and try again. Sometimes I needed some late night texts with my sister to get me through.

Somehow, I always found more rope.

I know we’ve all been there. When you’re exhausted and feel all alone and briefly hopeless. When you’re at the end of your rope, what do you do to find more rope?

The ability to bounce back….that’s called resilience.

And how do we build resilience in our children??

The #1 way is for those children to have one (or more) consistently supportive adult in their lives. A person who is their cheerleader and will be there no matter what.

So, if you’ve found more rope…and you keep on finding more rope when you’re at the end of it…you’re being that person to your child and building resilience in them.

Keep it going. One step, one night, one moment at a time. Sometimes those nights can be hard…but the cuddles are worth it.

Talk soon,

Whitney

p.s. join me over at Guiltless Grace on Facebook with some other supportive moms as we get through this together with grace and poise but without the mommy guilt.

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Do I Live Happily Ever After?

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Do I Live Happily Ever After?

Do I Live Happily Ever After?

I have always loved a happy ending. Growing up, I loved the Disney movies with the princesses who found their prince and lived happily ever after.

Who doesn’t want to “live happily ever after?”

But what does “happily ever after” mean? When is the after? To what point? The whole time? For the rest of their lives?

Dictionary.com defines it to “spend the rest of one’s life in happiness.”

Did Steve live “happily ever after?” Was he happy during his life? Yes. He was very happy. Were there bad times, sad times, stressed out times, and difficult times? Yes. Those too. But that’s normal.

The Urban Dictionary defines it as “to find your one and only and live happily with them for the rest of your life. To be constantly happy with no end.”

So, according to this definition did Steve live happily ever after? The first part yes. He found his one and only – me – and lived happily with me for the rest of his life.

But was he constantly happy with no end? No, that’s impossible. It’s not realistic for anyone. There are going to be crappy times. You are going to have bad moods. There are going to be really sad things that happen. It can’t be avoided. But can we live happily every after anyway?

What about me? Do I live “happily ever after?”

I found my one and only and lived happily with him but now he’s gone. But he will stay with me, in my heart and I will live happily ever after with him there.

To live happily ever after is a choice.

Am I heartbroken still? Yes. But I could choose to be unhappy all the time, but that wouldn’t honour him or be much fun at all.

In so many of the Disney movies, the princesses are orphans or have lost a parent. I suppose my girls are those princesses. They’ve been dealt a bad hand but they deserve to live happily ever after too.

Will I be “constantly happy with no end?” Nope. None of us will. There will be ups and downs, good times and bad times. Happiness will have endings and beginnings again.

To live happily every after is too long of a concept anyway. I can only focus on now and a short time from now. It’s all I can handle. For now, I choose to live happily in the moments that feel right and feel the all the other emotions in the moments that feel right for those. That’s all we can do.

Honour how you feel each moment and know that it’s ok but don’t stay in the darkness. You deserve to live happily ever after too, whatever that looks like for you.

Love and hugs

Whitney

 

 

 

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