Loving After Loss

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Loving after loss is really hard for many people. I know a lot of people who are divorced, widowed, or single who are terrified to love again. 

They don’t want to have the loss, the grief, or the complication again. 

I get that. But I wanted to love again. 

Brene Brown wrote “We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”

After Steve died, I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life without a partner. Someone to be my partner in life. To dream with, to build with. 

It makes me mad when amazing women I know don’t fight hard enough for the lives they want. Sure, it doesn’t have to include a man. But it could!

Tim, my second husband, was amazing. He was all the things I dreamed of. I was so incredibly surprised that he already existed! That he was out there, doing his thing, waiting to meet me too. Loving after loss was something we both were doing together! We understood the preciousness of life.

When things got tough with our long-distance relationship or blended family, I knew he was worth it and we were worth fighting for. 

And now? Sure, I’ve questioned if I want the potential heartache again. 

But what I know for sure, is that I’m going to live the hell out of life, make the most of it, and do all the things that bring me joy. I’m going to live bravely and make mistakes. 

And love. 

I want to encourage you to be your brave self. Love more and find where you belong. 

I’m here for you along the way. Join me over on Instagram as I rebuild my life yet again as a “Double Widow” and share the journey with you.

Whitney

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You’re not broken, just grieving

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I felt like if I could just find someone to date, to fill the void, to be a father for my daughters, it would make me feel better. Then I would be fixed and everything would be ok. ⁠
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But the grieving doesn’t go away. ⁠
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Let me tell you, it’s amazing to have a supportive 2nd husband who loves my kids and me. But at the end of the day, my girls are still missing Steve, their 1st dad. And I’m missing him too. They have 2 dads now. ⁠
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The missing will never go away. I will never be “fixed.”⁠
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I will have a heart with a bit of a scar on it from where it was broken. It won’t go back to how it was before. ⁠
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But that also is good. Because I don’t want to forget Steve or stop loving him. ⁠
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For those of you on your new widowed journey, you may be thinking about dating again. We’re all on our own timetables and journeys. ⁠
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I just want you to know, it won’t fix you. You aren’t broken, just grieving. ⁠
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Hugs,⁠
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Whitney⁠

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Define the love you want first

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In honour of the anniversary of our first date…⁠
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How will you know the person you are meant to be with until you define who he is? ⁠
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Before I met Tim I had dated a little. After a few short-lived relationships I decided to write out a list of the qualities of the man I was looking for. ⁠
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Having been married before there were things I liked and didn’t like about my late husband. That’s normal. No one is perfect, right? ⁠
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If I had to choose again, I was going to find an amazing man. ⁠
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Here is my list of the type of man I was looking for: ⁠
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– attractive⁠
– understanding man who’s a good listener⁠
– supportive and my cheerleader⁠
– physically active⁠
– love of learning⁠
– helping and philanthropic⁠
– loves my children⁠
– treats me always with respect⁠
– friendly with others⁠
– calm and patient⁠
– makes room for me in his life⁠
– good with money⁠
– shows me he cares about me and that I’m a priority⁠
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I wrote out that list and then I stopped looking. ⁠
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I started living. I lived my life for me. I did the things I wanted to do. I built a good life without a man. ⁠
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Then I met him. That saying is so annoying – “it’ll happen when you least expect it.”⁠
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I looked at my list and he was everything on my list. ⁠
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That’s a pretty amazing manifestation. ⁠
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So what’s on your list? Are you settling?⁠
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Whitney⁠

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Making Moments Matter

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I had a harder time with Father’s Day than I expected. But actually it hit me a day later when I sat down with my counsellor.

“How are you doing?” she asked. The tears started coming.

My younger daughter turned 4 the day before Father’s Day. The collision of the two special days did me in.

On the happiest day of her birthday there is still a shadow caused by the events that happened only a couple of months after her birth.

I still find it hard to look at pictures of her during her first year of life. It transports me back into the pain. The pain of losing my husband, her dad. The pain of my life shattered into a million pieces.

The innocence in her eyes. She didn’t feel the loss like the rest of us did. She had started to bond with him but attachment isn’t solidified by 3 months old.

Leanna met each milestone in her first year of life but if you asked me when she crawled, I don’t know. How horrible is that? I don’t remember. I remember exactly when my first daughter crawled. But my second? I was in a fog. I honestly don’t remember. I was robbed. She was robbed. Steve was robbed.

Father’s Day is another one of those days that reminds me of how he was robbed. How unfair that he only got to enjoy a handful of Father’s Days as a parent? It sucks. But it’s the reality. It is what it is. The grace of acceptance isn’t easy.

As I was searching for photos of Leanna to post on her 4th birthday this past weekend to celebrate her, I stumbled across a photo of the 4 of us. I only thought there was one photo in existence. But here it is. A blurry photo of the 4 of us! Hidden treasure! Here it is! The day that Leanna was born. The moment big sister met little sister. It was a perfect moment.

One of my regrets is that there is only 1 (now 2) photos in the world of the 4 of us as a family. It’s one of those heartbreaking things I realized in the early months after Steve died.

My wish to you is to treasure your moments. Take pictures. Be in pictures. Don’t let your bad outfit, bad hair-day, bad self-image stop you from jumping in pictures with your family. Be part of it. Make those moments matter. Don’t miss out. Enjoy every moment. Treasure every moment. Love is what matters.

Whitney

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Car Crying – 3 Steps to Grieving While Driving

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Ok, your first step is to actually park your car. I’ve mislead you a bit with my subtitle. It’s true, I have driven while crying, that’s not unheard of. But let’s be clear, I’d really like you to pull over and then cry.

I’ll get to my 3 steps shortly.

I’m not opposed to showing my feelings, however, the thing I’ve noticed about myself is that when I’m with my kids, I’m in “Mom-Mode” and apparently “Mom-Mode” doesn’t have a Cry Function Button.

I get busy with all the mommying I need to do – wiping faces, bums, feeding them, cleaning up after them  – that there doesn’t leave much time for crying or processing my emotions.

The kids actually saved me when Steve, my husband of only 4 years, died suddenly over 2.5 years ago. The kids gave me my smiles. They gave me a reason to go on, to get up out of bed. I had to do it for them. And I had to do it for him. I was a solo parent now. And I promised him I would take care of the girls. But they never saw me cry.

I quickly found that the solitude of my minivan was where I felt comfortable enough to cry. All alone, windows up, parked.

It’s really important fo you to let your emotions out. We bottle them up and then let them rip on people we love or they turn into chronic stress which leads to or worsens a whole host of chronic diseases.

So here are your steps to Car Crying. (Take it from the expert)

  1. Park your car – the first reason is for your safety. If you are balling your face off then you can’t really focus on the road. My favourite spots were facing fences, backs of stores or in the driveway where passersby couldn’t really see. And if they did, who cares!?
  2. Pick a time – it’s best to do your car crying at the end of your day or when you’ve got time to mop up afterwards. Some people it’s obvious that they’ve been crying. My sister has always been jealous of me that I don’t really look like a hot mess after crying. (Sorry sis! I don’t know what to tell you.) And if people see you’ve been crying, who cares?! It’s healthy to let out your emotions. Please refer them to this blog 😉
  3. Pick your tunes – create your “Songs to Cry to” playlist. When my emotions get pent up and I know they are going to explode, I just put on my playlist and it’s much easier to let them go. Some of the real kickers are “To where you are” by Josh Grobin and “See you again” by Carrie Underwood. Also thrown in there is our wedding song.

I feel so much better after a good cry. Sometimes my emotions can be stirring and under the surface for a week and they just need to get out. And then I feel better. Give it a try. This doc recommends it.

If you can’t stop crying… ever… or if it’s really bad during your PMS time and not getting any better, come see me. Book a free 15 meet the doctor and let’s chat about how to get you feeling more like yourself.

Talk soon,

Dr. Whitney

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His Funeral was My Funeral

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His funeral was my funeral in more ways than one.  It was my funeral because it was the end of my life as I knew it. It was also a glimpse at what my funeral would look like.

Steve died so suddenly that we didn’t have a chance to speak of his wishes around a funeral or celebration of life. I knew what he did for both his parents who pre-deceased him. And I knew the core and essence of Steve and who he was. So, choosing how to celebrate his life was easy. My wonderful sister was the project manager and dealt with all the details and delegated with the rest of the family and friends who were helping. His Celebration of Life was exactly how he would have wanted it to be.

But it was my funeral too. The life that I knew was over. A chapter was closing. One that I didn’t want to close at all. That I was extremely happy with.

It was like my world was a snow globe and someone shook it so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t walk straight and the snow storm flew all around me. When the snow settled, I didn’t recognize my world anymore.

However, one of the lovely things about his Celebration of Life was that it showed me how much love and support we have and I have. Our family, many of my friends, old camp friends, networking colleagues and supporters came out, quite of few of whom had never met Steve or only met him a couple of times.

It showed me how much I was loved. I could imagine what my Celebration of Life would look like with all of these amazing people.

So why do I share this with you? Because there are people around you who love you and support you. You are not alone even when you feel like you are. There are people who would do anything for you and show up for you. They believe the world is a better place because you are in it. So reach out. Ask for help. Ask for a hug. Ask for what you need. You’re worth it and the people who know the true you know you’re worth it too.

Dr. Whitney

For more about living our lives as while raising our kids, join me and other moms as we raise happy, healthy, & hearty kids without the Mommy Guilt in my private group called Guiltless Grace.

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