The Map of Our Lives Keeps Changing

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The rules keep changing. We get our footing and then it’s pulled out from under us again.

Of course you’re upset. Of course you’re unmotivated. Of course you’re more irritable than you “should” be.

This is hard. You’re grieving. You’re lonely. You’re missing connection. You’re missing people. You’re missing physical touch.

And you’re not sure when it’s going to end. When you’ll feel better. When you’ll wake up from this dream (or nightmare).

The thing is, we don’t have control.

This pandemic has taught us so many things. One of the big ones is that the stability, predictability and safety we all lived in was not as it seemed.

You get it now. If you didn’t already.

Life can change in an instant.

A quote on a greeting card that sits on my bookshelf says “we cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.”

We’ve been on a long sail boat voyage we didn’t sign up for.

We didn’t pack appropriately for it. We didn’t get to take a class or two on sailing. We’ve been sailing for over a year now in a direction that we think is the right one. We’ve been constantly adjusting our sails and going with the flow.

We don’t know what the new land will look like when we get there.

We really know our shipmates though. We’ve spent A LOT of time with them!

It’s not always smooth sailing. You know this. I know this.

But on the sunny days, we feel better. We can look around and appreciate our shipmates and our sturdy vessel.

Adjust your sails.

What can make today a better day for you? How can you add joy? What can you ACTUALLY control? Do those things. Don’t wait.

I’m finally going to sign up for one of those Zoom painting classes or something. I’m organizing my storage closet. Some days I don’t feel like doing anything. I honour those days. Then when my motivation comes back, I ride that wave.

You’re not alone. We can do this.

Adjust your sails.

 

Whitney

 

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When will I see him again?

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Please don’t ask me when I’ll see Tim again. It hurts my heart.

This is definitely not how I imagined my marriage going. Being a widowed person, remarried, I had high hopes of living with my new husband. Finally getting to do the day-to-day things I had been missing after Steve died.

I was tired of being a solo parent. I was tired of making all the decisions. I was tired of taking care of the house. Being the only one to take the garbage out. The only one to empty the dishwasher.

Marrying Tim gave me hope of things to come.

We knew we wouldn’t be able to live together right away because he lives in the US and I live in Canada. We were working out immigration plans to be together.

But this big thing called the global pandemic got in the way.

My hopes were delayed again.

I feel like I’ve been living in this limbo for 5.5 years since Steve died. The map of the life I imagined got ripped apart.

I know you get this to some degree. The pandemic has changed the map of your life too. The plans you made, the things you were going to do, the people you were going to visit. It’s changed everything.

For me, I don’t know when I will see my husband again. We’ve been fortunate to have seen each other a handful of times over the last year. But it pales in comparison to the plans we had and how often we saw each other before March 2020.

Thank you for caring and wanting to know when we’ll see each other again. Thank you for being concerned. Thank you for feeling compassion for our difficult and unusual situation. I appreciate that.

For now, we are living a long-distance marriage across a closed border with quarantine restrictions, Covid tests, and uncertainty.

For now, we connect through FaceTime, Zoom, and phone dates.

For now, we will both try to live in the moment, enjoy the time with our kids, and not let this moment pass us by. Because one day we will live together and have moments of being sick of each other. But I can’t imagine those days right now.

Whitney

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You’re not broken, just grieving

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I felt like if I could just find someone to date, to fill the void, to be a father for my daughters, it would make me feel better. Then I would be fixed and everything would be ok. ⁠
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But the grieving doesn’t go away. ⁠
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Let me tell you, it’s amazing to have a supportive 2nd husband who loves my kids and me. But at the end of the day, my girls are still missing Steve, their 1st dad. And I’m missing him too. They have 2 dads now. ⁠
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The missing will never go away. I will never be “fixed.”⁠
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I will have a heart with a bit of a scar on it from where it was broken. It won’t go back to how it was before. ⁠
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But that also is good. Because I don’t want to forget Steve or stop loving him. ⁠
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For those of you on your new widowed journey, you may be thinking about dating again. We’re all on our own timetables and journeys. ⁠
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I just want you to know, it won’t fix you. You aren’t broken, just grieving. ⁠
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Hugs,⁠
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Whitney⁠

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I miss hugs

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Human Touch.⁠⁠

I remember when I was newly widowed. That first year I was lucky to have such amazing support from my family and close friends. ⁠⁠I got hugs and cuddles daily from my toddler and newborn. But obviously something was missing. ⁠⁠

I remember going to see my osteopath and getting a treatment. He put his arms around me like a hug in some of the gentle adjustments. I wasn’t attracted to him, don’t misunderstand this, but the human touch filled a void that I didn’t know I was missing so much. ⁠⁠

Now, in this pandemic where we aren’t allowed to hug our closest friends, our family members, the new babies in our outer circles… it’s going against the human need for connection and touch. ⁠⁠

Of course it’s important to do our due diligence and protect the vulnerable people in our lives. Of course we are going to do what the medical professionals and our leaders are suggesting. ⁠⁠I’m just saying, if you are missing human connection and touch, you’re not alone.

Maybe going for that massage or osteopathic treatment is not frivolous. Maybe it’s feeding your soul, your humanness. Maybe it’s releasing wonderful hormones in your body to make you feel a little bit better. ⁠⁠

How can you get touch? Who in your social circle can you hug a little bit more?

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Define the love you want first

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In honour of the anniversary of our first date…⁠
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How will you know the person you are meant to be with until you define who he is? ⁠
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Before I met Tim I had dated a little. After a few short-lived relationships I decided to write out a list of the qualities of the man I was looking for. ⁠
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Having been married before there were things I liked and didn’t like about my late husband. That’s normal. No one is perfect, right? ⁠
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If I had to choose again, I was going to find an amazing man. ⁠
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Here is my list of the type of man I was looking for: ⁠
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– attractive⁠
– understanding man who’s a good listener⁠
– supportive and my cheerleader⁠
– physically active⁠
– love of learning⁠
– helping and philanthropic⁠
– loves my children⁠
– treats me always with respect⁠
– friendly with others⁠
– calm and patient⁠
– makes room for me in his life⁠
– good with money⁠
– shows me he cares about me and that I’m a priority⁠
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I wrote out that list and then I stopped looking. ⁠
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I started living. I lived my life for me. I did the things I wanted to do. I built a good life without a man. ⁠
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Then I met him. That saying is so annoying – “it’ll happen when you least expect it.”⁠
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I looked at my list and he was everything on my list. ⁠
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That’s a pretty amazing manifestation. ⁠
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So what’s on your list? Are you settling?⁠
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Whitney⁠

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