Rock Bottom for Moms

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As I sit here writing the last chapter of my book about Rock Bottom for Moms, I’m thinking of all the women out there who’ve hit their rock bottom during motherhood like me.

I’m thinking about their mom guilt. Mom’s feel guilty about not being the mom they want to be. That their rock bottom moment or moments are taking away from experiences with their children.

I’m thinking about their struggles and sadness. They’re suffering from loss, grief, or miscarriage and infant loss. Their rock bottom might be mental illness or a physical illness. Their rock bottom could be burnout from this darn pandemic thing.

I’m thinking about their children. Their children who love them no matter what. The children who even though their mother has hit rock bottom, need them.

And I’m thinking about their journeys. Rock bottom for moms happens all the time. But it’s usually behind closed doors. We claim to be “fine” and want to appear to have it all together. We have so much pressure to maintain a house, raise the kids, feed them, keep ourselves together, and maybe have a job too.

I want you to know that Rock Bottom isn’t a destination, it’s just a layover. 

A layover is “a period of rest or waiting before a further stage in a journey.” That’s it. Just rest. You’re taking a layover. You’re still on your journey. This isn’t it. Things will get better. I promise. 

I’m writing my book as a tribute to Steve, my late husband. I’m also writing it for moms out there, my friends, my patients, and those I haven’t met yet. I want them to know there’s a way out of rock bottom.

In my book I share with you my story of hitting rock bottom. It can serve as a guide or inspiration. Or just as a comfort to know you’re not alone.

I’ve walked this path too.

Whitney

P.S. Do you want to be in the know about my book launch? Join my Facebook Group for Moms to stay up to date.

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Coming to You From Boston

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Here I am, in my new life. My newly designed life. Not exactly as planned. But I’m thinking outside the box.

We all make plans, right? Where to go to school, what to do for a living, who we want to spend our time with. 

Then plans change. 

The pandemic has changed the trajectory of my new marriage with a closed border that’s made things very complicated for our family. We’ve been married for 2.5 years but the longest we have ever spent together under 1 roof is 3 months. That’s not what I planned. 

Now, I write to you from Boston. Where we plan to spend the next few months together as a blended family. 2 are off to college. 1 teen, 2 school-age, and an elderly dog at home.

We are together. Finally. For another stretch of time, hopefully the longest. 

This life is the one I’m creating. Yes, many things have been out of my control. But how do you colour outside the lines? Think outside the box? (Why don’t Kendall and Joe just live in L.A. AND Chicago??? (for those Bachelor in Paradise fans out there)).

Think outside the box.

What are you stuck on? What in your life isn’t going the way you planned? What if you asked “what if?”

Join me in my Mom’s Group Online for support – www.facebook.com/groups/guiltlessgrace/ 

Let’s brainstorm together how we can all think outside the box a little bit more.

Whitney

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The Map of Our Lives Keeps Changing

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The rules keep changing. We get our footing and then it’s pulled out from under us again.

Of course you’re upset. Of course you’re unmotivated. Of course you’re more irritable than you “should” be.

This is hard. You’re grieving. You’re lonely. You’re missing connection. You’re missing people. You’re missing physical touch.

And you’re not sure when it’s going to end. When you’ll feel better. When you’ll wake up from this dream (or nightmare).

The thing is, we don’t have control.

This pandemic has taught us so many things. One of the big ones is that the stability, predictability and safety we all lived in was not as it seemed.

You get it now. If you didn’t already.

Life can change in an instant.

A quote on a greeting card that sits on my bookshelf says “we cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.”

We’ve been on a long sail boat voyage we didn’t sign up for.

We didn’t pack appropriately for it. We didn’t get to take a class or two on sailing. We’ve been sailing for over a year now in a direction that we think is the right one. We’ve been constantly adjusting our sails and going with the flow.

We don’t know what the new land will look like when we get there.

We really know our shipmates though. We’ve spent A LOT of time with them!

It’s not always smooth sailing. You know this. I know this.

But on the sunny days, we feel better. We can look around and appreciate our shipmates and our sturdy vessel.

Adjust your sails.

What can make today a better day for you? How can you add joy? What can you ACTUALLY control? Do those things. Don’t wait.

I’m finally going to sign up for one of those Zoom painting classes or something. I’m organizing my storage closet. Some days I don’t feel like doing anything. I honour those days. Then when my motivation comes back, I ride that wave.

You’re not alone. We can do this.

Adjust your sails.

 

Whitney

 

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When will I see him again?

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Please don’t ask me when I’ll see Tim again. It hurts my heart.

This is definitely not how I imagined my marriage going. Being a widowed person, remarried, I had high hopes of living with my new husband. Finally getting to do the day-to-day things I had been missing after Steve died.

I was tired of being a solo parent. I was tired of making all the decisions. I was tired of taking care of the house. Being the only one to take the garbage out. The only one to empty the dishwasher.

Marrying Tim gave me hope of things to come.

We knew we wouldn’t be able to live together right away because he lives in the US and I live in Canada. We were working out immigration plans to be together.

But this big thing called the global pandemic got in the way.

My hopes were delayed again.

I feel like I’ve been living in this limbo for 5.5 years since Steve died. The map of the life I imagined got ripped apart.

I know you get this to some degree. The pandemic has changed the map of your life too. The plans you made, the things you were going to do, the people you were going to visit. It’s changed everything.

For me, I don’t know when I will see my husband again. We’ve been fortunate to have seen each other a handful of times over the last year. But it pales in comparison to the plans we had and how often we saw each other before March 2020.

Thank you for caring and wanting to know when we’ll see each other again. Thank you for being concerned. Thank you for feeling compassion for our difficult and unusual situation. I appreciate that.

For now, we are living a long-distance marriage across a closed border with quarantine restrictions, Covid tests, and uncertainty.

For now, we connect through FaceTime, Zoom, and phone dates.

For now, we will both try to live in the moment, enjoy the time with our kids, and not let this moment pass us by. Because one day we will live together and have moments of being sick of each other. But I can’t imagine those days right now.

Whitney

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